As I write this piece on amazing Amazon trinkets for under $25, I’m sitting in a café in Trancas, Malibu; with a cup of something caffeinated and a distinct sense of unease. I mean, just look at this ridiculous place! The sun is shining without being overbearingly hot, the people are openly friendly to each other, and the beaches somehow manage to be comfortable, even enjoyable.
I must say, my English sensibilities are very disturbed by all this. Where are the grey, thundering clouds? Where’s the dubious cynicism and suspicion that dwells within the public? Where’s the no-man’s-land of jagged rocks and pebbles that leads up to a slimey, lifeless ocean?
#firstworldproblems, am I right? Obviously this will take some adjustment, and with the little travel money I have with me, I know exactly how to do that. I need some nerd junk, and I need it now. Not that I’m going to leave the house to buy it, I’m not taking that risk. The last time I stepped into direct sunlight it refracted through my translucent, fish-like skin and set the child behind me on fire.
No, I’m doing this how everybody does it nowadays – shopping online. So here are 5 little video game trinkets on Amazon for under $25 that nobody in their right mind would ever need, but when has that stopped us wanting them? Bear in mind that I don’t own any of these things and can’t directly recommend them, this is more like a hypothetical Christmas list that would make any right-thinking geek sit up and take notice.
… Hint, hint.
Zelda “Legend of the Hero” and “Map of Hyrule” Posters
Call this Amazon trinket a failing of my history education, but I struggle to keep up with the lore of Hyrule Kingdom these days, trying constantly to separate my Dekus from my demonic pig wizards. And I guess my geography teacher wasn’t pulling his weight either, because I got completely lost that time I went camping on Death Mountain, ending up in some cave with the scariest-looking fairy I’ve ever seen.
Hence why these two Zelda posters should ideally fill the gaps in anybody’s knowledge of the the world of Zelda. The former is the best aid to navigation in Hyrule until Tingle eventually creates Google Maps. The latter is a quaint little reminder of the story that Windwaker Link must’ve been made to endure over and over all his life, at least until he finally escapes granny’s clutches and goes out to do suicide missions instead. And speaking as somebody whose bedroom walls are practically invisible behind a papery cocoon of game and movie posters, I feel sure that I could make some room for these two. Maybe there’s some space on the ceiling I could fit them in?
Health Energy Potion/ Mana Energy Potion
The reviews on the potions don’t have much good to say about the actual flavour of this tonic, but if you’re buying it for that reason, you’ve kind of missed the point. You can find a decently-flavoured drink at any corner store, vending machine or cooperative cow you care to mention, but you don’t usually get a classic symbol of fantasy games left over afterwards. Poor the actual contents down the drain and refill it with wine or swan’s blood if it pleases you, but everybody knows you’re buying this for the bottle and not for the liquid inside. And speaking as somebody who plays more Dungeons And Dragons than is probably healthy, I kind of like the idea of having this and the associated mana bottle close to hand at all times – though ideally with something a little less healthy kept inside. <Hic> Bottomsh’ up!
Undertale “Flowey” T-Shirt
AAGH! Sorry, I have a lot of bad memories associated with that little yellow pansy. It’s hard not to fly into a panic when I see it, but as long as I don’t look at it directly again, I should be fiAAGH!
Alright, I’ve closed the browser window. But let’s dispel the obvious myth straight away – it’s absolutely not true that I will throw myself at any Undertale merch without a second’s thought. Nope. Not true in the slightest.
Hmm? It comes in three different colours? We-ell… That just makes it moral to buy it then, right? Because it’s clearly promoting… Um… Cultural diversity? Right? And by extension, the winking face is an obvious symbol of friendship and collaboration. Yep, couldn’t be anything else. And the flowerAAGH on the front is clearly a flower of peace that’s pushing against thoughtless violence in modern society.
… That last one might be especially hard to swallow for those of who you’ve played the game, but seriously – just buy the shirt. Ooh, and there’s one with Sans and Papyrus! Where’s my credit card gotten to? I’m sure the bank can pay for a few dozen more of my indulgences, right?
Mimic Gamer Pouch
More games need mimics, in my opinion. They’re just too much fun not to be included in everything that’ll have them. Why can’t I risk getting eaten by the mystery box in Call Of Duty: Zombies? What’s the issue that prevents a voracious vending machine appearing in Bioshock? Who said that Solid Snake should never run the risk of being eaten by whatever cardboard box he leaps into?
Mimics are overly ignored in the mainstream media today, so show your support by buying this little predator and letting the big companies know we want to see fair and equal representation when it comes to our toothy, transforming friends. #MakeMineAMimic
Mario Block with Coin Sweets
I must confess, this thing weirds me out a little. I put it on the floor, I put it in the cupboard, I store it inside a stainless steel floor safe, and yet somehow I still keep managing to hit it with the top of my head, even when I’m not trying to. It’s very confusing, especially on the occasions where it sprouts wings and floats away afterwards.
Fortunately all that bewilderment and concussion is mitigated, mainly by owning something that is a) pretty damn accurate to the original game, and b) filled to the brim with coin-shaped sweeties. And though I can’t spend them (as the man in the local games shop keeps exasperatedly reminding me), I’m more than happy to chew my way through them instead. Nom nom nom. When I finally reach a hundred, I always hear a familiar voice calling at the front door. Handsome devil, isn’t he?
So those were my top entries in the wishlist for the more frugal gaming geek, with each of the above firmly rooted in “twenty-five dollars or less” bracket. After all, just because you’re buying something extravagant doesn’t mean you have to spend something extravagant to match.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to bankrupt myself by looking for more shirts with Papyrus on them. Nyeh-heh-heh!